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September 3, 2011 / Vanilla Chocolate

Racist Intentions

I am in a relationship with someone who isn’t of the same race as me. Yes, I belong to a South East Asian country and she is from a developed country in the west. When we met online it was the personality of the person that we liked talking to. The notion of being from a different race, having a different colour and supposedly a different cultural background never really hit us. Although, time and again we did wonder what it would be it like to be together, would society and our family and friends accept us? and let us feel normal? or would there always be this nagging feeling that we might be seen a little differently ? Much like the feelings of being treated differently for say hypothetically how someone would be treated for having a third eye or a third leg for that matter(hyptothetically, ofcourse no one has them!). We see ourselves as a “normal” couple and that’s all we would like other people to see us as.  It simple terms  we  would like to be able to walk along the pavement on the street just like any other “normal” couple without being judged or seen as different.

In May of this year I had the opportunity to visit some of my family in the United States of America. I saw this as a great opportunity to see how I liked the culture there, the people and life in general. I felt excited about the idea of being there because I was getting to meet my family again after such a long time, and even more so because of the fact that I would now have the opportunity to see how her culture was, the way people interacted socially and what the  social norms such as customs and traditions were like . I was looking forward to the 40 exciting days that I would get to spend travelling around the country, seeing all the places I had only been able to appreciate in the news or in Hollywood movies, with New York, Washington, Chicago all on my list.
Multi Racial society in the US

Coming face to face with racism was the last thing on my mind while I left for this trip but I knew that somewhere in some sub-conscious corner of my mind there was a watch dog on the look out for any sort of different treatment at anyone’s hands snoozing as we snooze to an alarm, sometimes lazily and sometimes eagerly waiting for the alarm to go off just that one last time before we rush out of bed. A part of me didn’t want to expect racism, being unsure if it really does exist, you could then say that I was in denial, I wanted to go in with a mindset that it was all fair and square, yet I was aware that it does happen at times with different people around the world. With all these thoughts in mind, I got on with my journey to the US. Soon enough I was on the plane to Newark international airport.

I was excitedly seated on my seat on the plane, nervously waiting for it to fly us off land. Just then, the dormant devil watch dog inside my head woke up. It woke up to loud calls from the air stewardess directing my compatriots to take their seats with an attitude that seemed no less than that of a high school teacher. Clear and loud to discipline her class well and in the process maybe she was really proud of making a good job of it. Although, sadly I thought we were far from being an undisciplined high school class out for a picnic. I sort of fell in to a confused state right then. I found it difficult to identify the feeling I was feel or whether it right and justified to have felt. I don’t know whether it was wrong to be on alert for any different treatment or if it was wrong to think that she was approaching her job a little wrongly. All I knew was that I felt that her behaviour was different and I had always been someone to be true to my own feelings. Consciously I was not expecting racism but sub-consciously I was aware of the possibility of it.  However, it was not long before I  became consciously aware of any signs of racism. I began to feel full of doubts, suspicion and skepticism. I observed everything from my sight, hearing and feelings to warn me of any behavior that might suggest that I was being treated a little different.

Right that moment, I noticed the same stewardess in the next compartment graciously smiling to her compatriots, sharing a polite joke, a charming smile and a courteous offer. I felt horrible, she was subtle, no one could accuse her of anything drastic, yet I could feel a difference in her behavior towards me and the other compatriots.  I started to wonder was  I was being ridiculous? I started beating myself up for being so sensitive and got myself together. I tried to be the more positive, optimistic, and use my “who gives a shit anyways” attitude to get by. I guess the fact that I was in an inter-racial relationship was taking its toll on me, making me more sensitive and perceptive to things that at the time I believed had to do with race and ethnic background. I started to believe these two factors were contributing to the behavior  I was witnessing the stewardess put forth.

Nonetheless, by the time I arrived onto US soil, I was very excited. I was really happy to see some very generous and cheerful people on my way through the airport for the terminal to fly me off to the city where my sister lived. They included the cheerful janitor, the ever so graciously smiling boarding pass receptionists, the foreign exchange guy and many more. It made me even happier when I didn’t have to think about pushing my way through queues as I would have had to have done in my own country. So here I was in the US, having a great time with my family and enjoying seeing all the great places.

The next time the little devil in my mind caught something in thin air was in Washington. There was this great American spirit there, lots of highschool going, loud and cheerful kids, lots of families on an outing and some afternoon time joggers working hard on their fitness which was very inspirational. So there I was munching on my tasty American chips when suddenly I overheard a conversation between two men standing next to me. The conversation I overheard  went something along the lines of  :-

Man A: Well it’s a nice place out here, lots of people around here.
Man B: Yeah, there are a lot of damn people here who aren’t supposed to be here.

Racism in Washington

I was appalled at what I had heard, I felt confused about what I felt in that moment whether I felt alright about it or if I felt really hurt. I didn’t want to introspect my feelings right then for the fear of finding myself not being able to deal with it. I hadn’t been able to keep my mind from wandering and observing any kind of evidence to suggest differential treatment. I tried denying myself the right to feel bad but I couldn’t help it much. Right in the middle of my trip, right at the centre of Washington suddenly I had a frown on and I was silent, to the point my sister felt frustrated at my lack of expression on visiting all the nice places around. Although this wasn’t a big incident it was very upsetting to me. I had huge hopes for the future. I had dreamt of my race and ethnic background not getting in the way of my relationship with Vanilla. I had so badly hoped that I wouldn’t feel any different being a foreigner in a western country. Although, nothing much was ever said, yet I wonder what all those unexpressed feelings might have been, deep inside those hundreds of people I was seeing everyday. If they had hatred in them against my kind for taking away their jobs or if they had blunt superior feelings or if they felt indifferent to my skin color and based what they felt about me more on the person that I was or if they felt warm and welcoming. During my childhood, never through any of my fantasies about being the super hero in any Hollywood  movie did it occur to me,” Oh I am from a different race and background, I don’t fit the bill”. I guess this, was the realization that was happening right there and right then. My life and reality just had a clash in and I had to deal with it.

Time went by and there wasn’t much that my mind had to perceive. I remember  one day it was the memorial day weekend in the US, my dad and I went out for one of our usual evening strolls. As we walked along relaxing and taking in the clean air, a car  stopped close by to us and my mind was automatically alarmed with what I had heard. As much as I wanted to play it down, I couldn’t, my dad was right there with me, I was right there, we had witnessed it, I had seen what had happened right there in front of my eyes. The best I could do was neglect what I had heard from a bloke in the car. What I had heard was him shouted out loudly, “FUCK YOU”, but a part of me which still wanted to be in denial figured that it was too much of a foreign accent and the man sounded  too drunk to make out what he had said. Unfortunately shouting at us was not the only thing this man had intended and my eyes caught the sight of  a can of coke being aimed at us,  luckily for us it was off target and never hit us like it was intended to.

Ever since that incident, my mind became consumed with observing any form of racism or mistreatment.  I  recall another incident when I went to a food joint to grab myself something on our way back from New York. I went in to order and the female serving at the counter, who would have been about my age dealt with me in a very stern way. She never did anything that was offensive, she never refused to give me my order.Yet, just like the air stewardess I could again notice a sternness in her voice, as if I needed to be disciplined on how to order quick and conveniently for her. I would have told her that I felt sorry for my strong accent if I actually did! It was written all over her face. I thought maybe she has had a tough day at work, or something was wrong at home for her not so generous behaviour. Right then I saw a caucasian man walk up to the counter, her whole aura changed, again I could see that gracious smile back up on her face, as it happens to them (likes of the air stewardess and this girl), ear to ear.

Around that time I had emailed Vanilla expressing feelings of pain for being treated differently.  I had noticed it at food joints and other places. She couldn’t help but say that she was aware that this evil called racism had been around. She quoted me a story from her visit to the US where a black kid was being tormented at a swimming pool by some white kids and they expected her to join them, since she was white too. I felt thankful that I hadn’t faced anything as traumatic as that.

To sum up my feelings on racism, I feel:

“Lukewarm acceptance is more bewildering than outright rejection.”- Martin Luther King
The above quote fits me really well, for the times when I  witnessed or was the victim to lukewarm acceptance all around me and subtle rejection that were not as obvious to see as one might expect. Sadly, these incidents of subtle racism left me indulging in self-pity and being softer and even weaker than I had ever been. I was always the one who was optimistic and thought positive but the whole experience of racism just zapped away these things from me. I remember writing Vanilla an email expressing this helplessness I felt and even she could see a difference in my attitude which was equally upsetting for her.

Experiencing racism firsthand left me with what I could only describe as feelings of bewilderment. I was sad and hurt and  especially with the incident that took place in Washington. More so because of the fact that all people that were there visiting Washington were tourists, appreciating the great American history. I have family who work in America and it made me feel sad that they were there were working in an American society, paid taxes, were being good ethical human beings.Yet there were still times were they were only lukewarmly accepted.

I discussed my thoughts with my family, who had been living there for a while and all they could say was that  “there will be goons no matter where you go”. I felt sad for how I was discovering the globe to be. It was darker than I had ever expected it to be. Racial differences was more real than most of us had thought, I guess. Had it been outright rejection the ‘fight or flight’ response would be in place and I would be fine with fighting it out. But now, with all the subtlety and lukewarm acceptance I felt very confused and lost. Those fake and pretentious smiles left me in horror, I couldn’t ever be sure if what the other person had or said was actually meant or not. If I felt too sad, I felt I was victimizing myself, on the other hand, if I felt nothing about it, I felt I was being untrue to my actual feelings. Looking back, I feel I’d be able to handle it better the next time I come across it.
I am still reluctant to term all that happened with me on my trip as outright racism. I would like to be more forgiving of the behaviors I thought were prejudiced and be open-minded about it because I feel it’s promoting goodwill and acceptance that is important than fuelling feelings of hatred. I do also feel that nothing concrete to damage me physically or mentally happened there. I went in fine and I came out of there fine, so why would I want to feel broken and damaged? I dont. At the same time,  I also feel a little confused when I think about all that racism that could be out there. Does it really have to mean that you get slammed and banged by a gang of racial hitmen or would even a slighly different behaviour in say an elevator constitute outright racist behaviour, and if its fair to feel so bad for being discriminated against because of racism?
I know it would be unrealistic to say that racism is extinct or will ever be. It’s just human instinct to discriminate against and fight off something that isn’t similar to us. There were riots in London that are scorning racists all over the internet, but the point is we, who might be vulnerable to racial atrocities have to make ourselves strong where in little incidents like maybe in an elevator don’t kill our spirit for the day.

Below is an anti racial video I found on youtube. I guess even subtlety is a killer!!

Having said all that I’ve said in this post, I’d like to be more open to see individuals beyond their shade of colour, race, religion, culture and background. I know for a fact that every individual is just so very different and unique. There is always something to cherish about veryone, just that one might have to look more closely, giving up our prejudices, which at times might be easy to fall back on. I believe that whatever people I form relationships with, whether professional ones or personal ones will know me as the person that I am, beyond my race, religion and background.  I would like to equally see them beyond the spectrum of race, culture and background and appreciate them as individuals. For the more ignorant ones I have just decided for now that I can’t let them have control over my happiness and spirit for any day. I am going to continue doing my thing and if you like it, it’s great, if you don’t, I would like to be able to say that I never really cared about it in the first place.
In all, my visit to the US was very enriching and full of new experiences. I met lots of wonderful, cheerful, courteous people on my journey and learnt a lot. I learnt about myself, that how I might feel on being treated differently, I learnt about the little devil in my head and how to make him more powerless. I learnt how to handle hurt, I learnt how it might feel to be treated differently.Very importantly I learnt that I should give up any prejudicies that I might have and I realized that there is so much more to every individual than meets the eye. I hope this visit will not only be of a great experience but also help me to deal with any form of racism when its time for me to be somewhere else, where I am different from the rest, if such a stage comes in my life. I feel right now that  I would be better prepared.

Thanks for reading, CHOCOLATE.

PS:  If anyone has experienced racism or knows someone who experienced it feel free to post a comment about those experiences or if there is any advise you would like offer to someone facing racism.



Leave a Comment
  1. sharell / Sep 4 2011 12:31 pm

    You conveyed your emotions really well in this post, so I actually felt a bit of the sadness and bewilderment that you felt. The incident in Washington is especially upsetting and disappointing. I like how you summed it all up though in the conclusion, as a learning experience. Racism does come from narrowmindedness and also fear. It’s a very superficial thing based predominantly on external appearances. So, if there’s one good thing that you can learn from it is to appreciate people for what they are on the inside, especially yourself. I love your line; “there is always something to cherish about everyone”. The world needs more of this attitude. We really need to look more closely at people, but for those who never step out of their comfort zones (which is a lot of people) and explore and learn, it’s very hard to do so.

    • Vanilla Chocolate / Sep 5 2011 10:26 am

      Hi Sharell, thanks for your reply.
      “So, if there’s one good thing that you can learn from it is to appreciate people for what they are on the inside, especially yourself.”
      The above line stands out to me, especially the part that “especially yourself”. I think rather than being centered outwards, looking for acceptance it is better to anchor ourselves inwards and let others come to us and be themselves around us than to actually put the burden of our expectations on the moment. And I think a part of anchoring ourselves inwards comes from appreciating ourselves for who we are.

  2. Hélène / Sep 8 2011 6:01 pm

    Hello, I found your blog though Sharell’s. I am also in a vanilla-chocolate relationship and have also started to notice things with a different perspective. I agree with your observation of the sterness of flight attendants with Indians, I also noticed that.

    A disappointing experience for me is that in restaurants over here (France), when I go with my black husband, they tend to give us a table that is very far inside, I feel they want to hide us. Then there are all the comments from family, colleagues and and friends. It’s really impressive the amount of ignorance that is around !

    • Vanilla Chocolate / Sep 8 2011 7:26 pm

      Hi, Thanks for commenting. Yeah sadly these differences become more noticeable as time passes by but there isn’t really anything one can do.
      We are having some issues with comments from friends and family too, does that put you off a little bit too? And how do you go about handling that? If it was from some strangers and subtle it doesn’t really bother us that much, but with comments from near and dear ones it can be quite hard. We are still figuring out how to take those. Yes, the amount of racial bias and ignorance that comes with it is something really very overwhelming and sadly it happens everywhere, take any part of the globe.

      • Hélène / Sep 9 2011 2:16 pm

        Well to tell you the truth my husband now refuses to meet my parents, and I just don’t tell him everything I hear. It saddens me to find out how many people’s education and open-mindedness is only skin deep.

      • Vanilla Chocolate / Sep 9 2011 7:27 pm

        That’s really unfortunate between your husband and parents. I guess on the brighter side your children and nephews and nieces won’t have to face from you two, all that you had to face. 🙂

  3. K / Jan 9 2012 11:51 am

    It saddens me to read stories about racism. One time on a train in Australia there were two Japanese guys sitting behind me and they were talking about me in Japanese and just saying awful stuff. They got off the same place as we did so I said very loudly to my friend (who doesn’t speak a word of Japanese). “You know whats rude? Talking in Japanese about somebody thinking they won’t understand you.” I then looked at the Japanese men and they smiled awkwardly and hurried away.

    I don’t tolerate Racism or abuse so I definitely speak up even if it lands me into trouble…

  4. chris / May 8 2012 1:37 am

    im confused what happened on the plane? and how are you chocolate? look at swirl magazine and interracial family organization.

    • Vanilla Chocolate / May 8 2012 1:52 am

      Hi Chris,

      Nothing over the top happened on the plane, but I could just sense that the air hostesses who were mostly Caucasian American seemed to behave a little rudely with the Indians on the flight. Sometimes speaking loudly to them or not being very polite in the way they spoke. I think anyone would have noticed it.

      I just had a look at the interracial family organization on Facebook, seems to be a very noble initiative. I wish them all the luck in making life a bit easier for interracial couples.

      I call myself Chocolate ‘cos we are an inter-racial couple also, I am from India and darker than her, so we are Vanilla and Chocolate.

      Are you yourself in a interracial relationship? Do you feel you’re treated differently sometimes? How would you cope with it?

  5. Ed / May 15 2013 10:14 pm

    I remember Flying to Italy and encountering much of the same experiences (I’m Caucasian). InterestinglyThere seems to be a segment of every population that hates change and anything different. If you study typology, one will come to a good understanding how many people are predisposed to this attitude. Tolerance is something that has to be taught and sustained.

  6. Ed / May 15 2013 10:26 pm

    however, I remember being in India and don’t recall any instances of racism directed towards me. The United States is becoming more tolerant but has a long way to go. There just seems to be certain personality types that lean towards ignorance and intolerance and its embarrassing to witness. Sorry you had to experience it. My hope is that one day soon, these idiots will just get used to interacting with people from different cultures and possibly even embrace the differences.

  7. Melange / Jul 5 2013 5:15 pm

    This reminds of something that Russel Peters said once…”I’m sensitive to racial discrimination. Not against anybody else’s race, just my own”.
    Indians complaining about racism is like the pot calling the kettle black.(Pun unintended) Indian society is very racist in itself. In North India, South Indians are made fun of, for their skin colour and accent. They are called “madrasi” even if they are not from Madras. People from the North East are called chinky/ching-chongs to their face and many of them face terrible abuse in colleges. White men are perceived to be decadent and white women are “easy and loose”. If you’re black, then India treats you like scum. Indians have a tag for every race/ethnic group on earth.

    Chocolate, I don’t mean to belittle the hurt caused to you. The people who hurt you are in the wrong and obviously lack exposure and respect of other cultures. Besides, it doesn’t help that several American politicians have led them to believe that “dirty immigrants are stealing their jobs”.
    However, it is pre-conceived notions and mistrust that lead to such things. As you have said yourself, it can sometimes be a case of over-sensitivity. Especially in case of the flight attendants. Maybe the passengers WERE indeed creating inconvenience and she was angry with them. It is not an easy job.

    On an aside, so glad to hear about your mixed-race marriage! Wish you happiness!

    • Vanilla Chocolate / Jul 7 2013 4:41 am

      I agree that the Indian society is largely racist but that does not however change the way that I feel about experiences that I go through.

      As for the flight attendant’s behavior, I think I have seen more of life in the last two years, after I first wrote this post. Maybe she was just sick of having to deal with herds of Indians day in and day out. Some of them might not have been the best of passengers so yeah I can understand that it must have gotten on her nerves. So, even though it wasn’t pleasant to see her go about her job in the section of the plane I was in, I can see where she might have been coming from. I don’t think I would be that bothered if i was to see such behavior again.

      I have worked in a US based MNC for the last couple of years. I have seen Indians and Americans working together at large and yes I have seen too many Indians being quite frustrating. So if an American while dealing with an Indian does come on with some preconceived notions, I would not blame them. Your points make sense to me now.

      Thank you for your wishes, however we aren’t married as yet. Hopefully, we will be some day 🙂


  8. Mary McGarvey / Nov 16 2013 1:09 am

    I work as a tourguide in San Francisco. I personally like Indians, Pakistanis and Bangladeshis because they have interesting opinions and questions. Most are from a very educated background and very cosmopolitan. The trouble only begins when they are mixed with non-Indians. Then their constant talking and eating in the tourbuses becomes an issue, and often big time. I have had whole groups of non-Indians begging me what to do about the unbearable smell coming from the Indian family in the back of the bus, ostensibly from the spices in their food. They also bring very spicy food on to the tourbuses, and I as a guide must either put my foot down that NO FOOD is allowed at all, when after all some of the nonIndians of any color can be snacking on pastries or chips.

    If the bus is full of only one group of any ethnic type, the sailing is fine. Everyone can get along. But if you mix the groups together in public transport (as you saw on the airplane) then trouble will begin. That airstewardess had probably years of experience in dealing with the chaos of having Indian high-status people, especially their men, listen to her polite request to sit down or follow other rules. If over time (and a very short time!) she learns that they do NOT respect her as a woman or as an employee, she must become abrupt and clear and no-nonsense, as high school teachers become with unruly pupils NO MATTER that some of the pupils are well-behaved.

    Read the complaint on tripadvisor against Great Pacific Tours on a San Francisco tour. Guess what the Bangladeshi men were doing, although they were doctors in heart transplants? Disrespecting everyone on the bus!

  9. PaddyD / Apr 18 2014 7:53 pm

    Don’t know if it ‘racism’ per say (I’ve always considered people from India Caucasian anyway). What it might be is a) general hostility to foreigners as we feel we have been overrun with illegal immigrants and are powerless to stop the influx and b) the fact that in technology at least, American jobs have been farmed away to India – or given to H1B visa holders who will work for cheap.

  10. Mary Mekko / Apr 22 2014 12:44 am

    All I can say now is that tourism, overrun with disrespectful groups as they often are also in planes and trains, has come to a big turning point for me. A nasty, young and inexperienced Phillippino concierge, given a free complimentary ride on my Napa tour, along with her Mexican-American fellow employee, tried to disrupt and make noise throughout the day. Because they were “guests” although of very low social mores, I could do nothing as driver and guide. They carried on with it all day, getting drunk and telling sex jokes and coming late to the bus at each stop. Then this infamous DESIREE OF NIKKO HOTEL (call her and ask what she thinks of a white female tourguide when she has a big chip on her racist shoulder! She works the night shift in her gross incompetence!) writes a long and nasty letter to my boss.

    NEVER AGAIN! Goodbye Desiree and John your insufferable colleague! Find other victims to criticize and attack! My boss is a coward because of Tripadvisor and the Desiree Idiots of the world. I now work for a small and private, no-racial-mixing tour company. Private and expensive, the people are of a far different caliber. The only solution for us “whites” (i.e. CELTIC) making a living in San Francisco Tourism!!!

  11. Mary Mekko / Apr 22 2014 12:45 am

    By no racial mixing, btw, I mean, that because they are all ONE GROUP, they don’t have to deal with other groups. All Indians in one SUV makes it easier – they can offend only each other, n’est-ce pas?

  12. nicedad1 / Apr 5 2015 2:08 pm

    I am married to a Philippine who is a wonderful golden brown… unlike me who is white as a lily. We live in Hawaii where my bride fits in like a local, but I frequently get the cold shoulder. I saw this many times back in the 60’s when I was stationed here in the Navy. The locals are still upset that we stole their culture, and their land… and they have a right to be upset… but I wasn’t around in 1893… so I shouldn’t have to bear the brunt of their hatred. If need be, they can untie their statehood… but all their ill-gotten wealth would dry up. I travel extensively… usually all over Southeastern Asia. On many occasions there, and in the mainland US, I see families of Indians who make themselves disliked for a number of reasons. In general, but not always, I find them to stink, they are rude, obnoxious, pushy, arrogant, disrespectful, noisy and greedy. On one 10-hour non-stop airplane trip, a family of four had two small children who just couldn’t keep quiet. About every 5 minutes, one of the two children would let out with a blood-curdling scream that could be heard in ten rows in all directions. The parents were oblivious to all this. I made repeated requests for the flight attendants to ask the parents to tell their children to keep quiet, to no avail. I was lucky enough to get my ride almost free, and because my actions reflected on my sponsor, I kept myself composed. I am sure I would have made a scene if the circumstances were different.
    I have observed similar behavior in Indian families in Bangkok, Singapore, Manila, Hong Kong, Taipei, and at the airport in Korea, as well as Beijing.
    I also saw one family on a cruise ship of about 16 people make such a mess in the banquet dining room that people were making terrible comments about them, and some got up and just walked out. The next evening, when they left, I stood up and applauded as they filed out… as many others followed suit in a round of applause. They never even noticed.
    This is why you got the cold faces, and disrespect from fellow tourists. They bring it on everybody who looks similar. It’s not their looks or skin color… it’s the whole package that turns everybody off. It’s their behavior that does it. This is how we see Indians… because after the barrage of bad behavior, it’s what we have learned to expect.
    But then again… it’s just my observations.

  13. Leigh / Sep 8 2015 2:43 am

    Hi Chocalate ! I don’t have much time so I will make it quick . You were only in a small portion of the states , that being said, yes it can take a lot of us ( Americans ) a while to warm up to anything foreign . Once we do, you can then actually experience some culture . I live in a country now with a very high Indian population , and there are a couple of things that might contribute to attitudes you get, or feel like you get . Indians often drive very agressivly , which is seen by others as reckless , dangerous , rude, and inconsiderate . I had the sweetest cab driver the other day , but he drove foolishly . Indians also often cut in line, or jump queue . This is also taken as very rude , so I’m sure a lot of us devolp a blanket attitude due to things like this . I have been to other countries . I know how the traffic ” systems” work there , not to mention there is just far less space and often product ,so it’s every man for himself in line, but this is just not acceptable behavior in most of the world . I am not excusing anyone’s bad attitudes , just pointing out some things that may have contributed to them . Oh ! While many Indians are actually very fluent in English , we can’t actually understand them because the accent is so heavy and the speech patterns so fast , so we get frustrated and may speak more forcefully thinking you can’t properly understand us.


  1. Why are Indians so rude? | Vanilla Chocolate

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